When a loved One Dies

When a loved one dies...I have had quite a few loved members of my family pass on in my lifetime...so the experience of grief is not new.  Yet with each one, depending on the person's role in my life, their age, the expectancy of their death, etc...the way I have experienced loss has been very different.
My Mom, who was and is still very dear to me, went to be with The Lord on April 14. I have so many mixed emotions involving her death. During the past year and a half, it has been beyond difficult, the waiting day to day, the worry from being so far away. I spent a lot of time just pleading with God to give me the "right" time to go and see her. My main concern was that she did not die alone, and that she would know the important role she had in my life. Yet I was afraid to say anything to her that might lead her to feel an obligation to stay...so any words I said had a finality to them and were absent of my impending loss or emptiness. I arrived on Mom's birthday and spent three days just visiting. When she would say that the doctors told her she only had a few days left, my answer was, well, Mom, only The Lord knows how many days you have left. And by the third time she told me this, as she was lying in her bed at night, and I answered the same way, she said in her weak but resolved voice, "That is right. And I may just surprise everyone...I may just continue to live; God may heal me...and then everyone would know the power of The Lord." That's the spirit, Mom...and I hope to always remember her words of faith on her last night on Earth.
Well, The Lord answered all my prayers. I was right by my Mom's bedside the day she died, holding her hand, getting her ice chips, moving her from side to side for her to be comfortable...bringing her coffee in bed as she missed her morning cup that day. Even after we knew she was comatose...I kept holding her hand and whispering words of assurance and scripture when it came to mind, or part of a hymn. It struck me that being with someone when they are dying is a lot like being with someone when they are giving birth...only the rebirth is to a heavenly realm and not an earthly one. There was no special sign when Mom left us, no eyes opening or talk of angels, but I knew they were all around us because of the peace and joy I felt.
 The night before, I had laid in the bed next to her for a little while to just be with her and talk. The hospice nurse had told me the day before that she was glad I was there and urged me to say my "last words." I looked at her and smiled and said, "I already have. I tell her every time I am with her and she knows how much I love her." Yet that last night, we just talked of little things...nothing of huge significance...but at the end of our conversation, I felt compelled to say, "Mom, I am so blessed to have you to talk to my whole life." And she answered that she was so blessed to have me to talk to...and I realize now that is what I will be missing most. Knowing where she is has brought me so much comfort, and knowing how God remembered my prayers and allowed me to be with her spoke to me of His great care and concern.
I have heard people say, life goes on...in response to a loved one dying. I always thought that was an unkind thing to say...for the person that is still here...life does go on, yes. But it is not the same. I wrote a tribute to my Mom that my husband read at her Memorial which we held for a small group of family, friends and hospice workers at their home. I'll be sharing that in my next entry.
Thank you for sharing with me in my joy and my sorrow.

Major Meanderings

Life is full of changes...you hear that often, and some days when you are in the midst of  mundane routine, life seems to move slowly, and you inwardly wish for change.  Sometimes change is good; but I find that to be true when it is elective change. Being on the receiving end of others' decisions that not only involve change for them, but my life also affected in a cataclysmic way is not good. At least it doesn't feel that way to me.
In the past month or so life has felt like a slow-moving tailspin. The kind of sensation which I experienced recently, plunked into the passenger seat while my youngest daughter navigated my jeep down an icy road. Down an icy road, ice covering snow, that hydroplaning that happens when the wheels don't quite touch pavement and that little pocket of air is all that exists between your life as you know it or panic. The seconds of holding your breath as the car spins...assessing the situation in a millisecond, calmly telling your daughter what not to do...do not brake...stay calm, stay calm...
Let's see now...in the last few months...my husband quit his job. A big job. He retired for "long enough to rearrange his sock drawer," and then he started on as a President of a start-up tech company. Which everyone knows means nothing. The company could stay, it could go, and it all depends on too many things which I know nothing about. What I do know is that means any plans for a move or long trip are temporarily put on hold. Temporary meaning four years or tomorrow.
My Mom's health is changing. So is my Dad's. I get emergency calls from caregivers, quick trips over mountain passes sometimes covered in snow...decisions made and decisions reversed by others who do not know better. It is frustrating, and at times heartbreaking. But the thing is...you have to be there...so you realign your life and you set your priorities and you stop all that you were doing before, and you sit and wait for you do not know what...the call in the night, the update from the hospice nurse...a text that waits a week to reach you while you hold your breath once more.
Our youngest daughter finds her dream place in the city. She has lived in our town since fifth grade. Do not feel sorry for me...we have been blessed as parents. Yes, my nest has been empty. She elected to live in the dorms, then a condo with her older sister. But graduating college and starting off on her career path, living in the same college town was just not hip anymore. So she packed her belongings and we hauled. And I cleaned. And cleaned. And cleaned the condo that had not been empty for at least six years and had seen many room mates come and go. And as I scrubbed, I was able to let go of some of the sadness that she would not be living close by anymore.
Our oldest daughter announced she was going to move to New York. But that one is still a little ways out on the horizon.
Changes in friendships, group bonds formed over time and given a year or more to develop suddenly stopped because those leading them felt they could no longer. And there was no one to step up and take the place.
Change in church. A pastor let go because of a sin committed that left many of us reeling...the impact of sin leaving it's imprint on everyone and the question of how to move on in forgiveness and grace and yet to continue to trust.
So when life changes seem to be coming hard and fast and there does not feel adequate time to gain traction and equilibrium...what do you do?
For me, I stop. I slow down. I listen to His spirit, guiding me through his word, and to books that seem to be speaking to me and encouraging me. One I am reading and gaining so much insight from is "Dancing with my Father," by Sally Clarkson.
 I give. I give my time away...doing for others because it is always a blessing to help when you know that you are making a tiny difference in a young mother's day by taking her child to the pet store and the car wash and out to eat.
I wait...to hear His voice directing me which way to go. Which also involves prayer and rest.
And I reassess what I am doing. My stamping is again on a leave of absence. I am not on any teams, so have no obligations...for now I will stamp when I need a card or am inspired to try something new.
This blog was initially named "Major Moments," because my life is busy and my interests are varied and I do not want to dedicate my blog solely to one thing.
I am taking a class tomorrow. I am stretching myself to try something new...this time with Annie Sloan's chalk paint. So tomorrow I will be surrounded by pretty colored paints rather than inks and my pallet will be wood rather than paper. I am ready for a change. And in this case, change is good!

My Daughters on Graduation!

My youngest daughter, Erin, right on top, center on bottom...graduated this May from Colorado State University.  I realize she is missing her graduation cap...these were taken afterwards, and she took her cap off. I am so proud of Erin...she graduated with "high honors" with a degree in Business and an emphasis in International Business and Marketing. She also accomplished this in four years, including a semester abroad in Barcelona, Spain last Spring. Her older sister, Caitlyn, came from Denver and we spent the day together. Our daughters have always been close, and the first photo is one of them being slightly silly doing what they call the "prom pose."
I love these pictures, it reminds me how blessed I am and how very proud I am to be the Mom of my two girls...well, I guess young women would be a better term!! And of course, my sweet husband was the one taking the pictures. He does not like to be in them, though, so I will spare him that.
This is our back deck with the neighborhood pond in the back...this Spring has been so lovely with all the green buds and some fresh rain.
So just wanted to share this happy moment...and praising God for it!! Thanks for stopping by!